I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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