Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i would punch a child for taco bell
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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