i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
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Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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