you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
