just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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