Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
