You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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