Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
