cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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