Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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