he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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