Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
