I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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