I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
