I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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