If i come over, it means nothing
oh god the rape fog is back!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
