no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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