I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
