Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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