I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
