Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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