New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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