People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We left an ass print on the piano.
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I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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