everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
