i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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