nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
