I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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