dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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