I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
