I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
