I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
