he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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