The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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