17 year olds will be the death of me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
