I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Vodka?
Forever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
