69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
