ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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