its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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