should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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