Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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