i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
