dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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