Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
