You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
