I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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