When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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