I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?