I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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