i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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