MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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