I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
