i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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