why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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