he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
