Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
