Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
