My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
