Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
