Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
