i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
